Manifesto of a Supernova: A Reminder for Unapologetically Shining in the World

The vision I’ve imagined for my time here is pretty simple.

I want to show up to life with all of the bravery and loveliness I can muster in service of making the world a slightly brighter and more beautiful place. That’s it, that’s all.

Perhaps it’s not particularly revolutionary, but taking a sacred stand for your truth on a regular basis can be easier said than done. 

Being the fallible and fragile human that I am, it’s infinitely easy to lapse into that place of fear, scarcity, and self-doubt where the efforts to bring my vision to life can seem either downright futile or overly indulgent. And it doesn’t take long before I can start sliding down that slippery slope of comparison and inadequacy, incessantly worrying about judgment from others.

At this point I’ve gotten pretty damn good at talking myself down from the ledge before I jump back into that safe place where I’m not constantly being called upon to be more visible and vulnerable. Yet, I’d be lying if I said that I don’t still struggle with being wholly seen in my raw authenticity. So it’s really become a matter of deciding over and over again that love is bigger than fear and entirely trusting that my message can serve as medicine for others.

Enter in the MANIFESTO OF A SUPERNOVA. It’s at once a soulful statement of intent, a daily affirmation, and a declaration of devotion. And it never fails to drop me fully and firmly back into my message and mission in rapid-fire time:  

Now more than ever, the world urgently needs more women who are awakened, enlivened, and emboldened.

At this time in history, our planet is positively aching for more mothers, lovers, and leaders who are unapologetically walking in the blazing brilliance of their light.

Choose the path of the feminine supernova.

Be guided by gratitude and surrender to bright faith.

Trust that there’s clarity in chaos; it’s where the lessons and blessings live.

Playing small is an insult to the universe and a slight to your divinity.

Decide to rise at every possible opportunity.

Light begets more light. Your shining is a liberating force for others.

For me, this manifesto has served as encouragement incarnate and pure motivational magic. There’s unequivocal power in making the time and space to distill the most heart-centred wishes you have for yourself and the world.

As you ease into the articulation of your own soul story, I highly recommend you consider penning a personal purpose-driven proclamation. I wrote this particular one for more universal adoption, so try it on for yourself to see if it fits on your journey towards luminosity. Shine on, bright one!

A few footnotes for deeper understanding...

BRIGHT FAITH

I used to love the idea of “blazing truth,” but when I recently became reacquainted with the idea of bright faith, it resonated so deeply.

According to author and Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg, bright faith “is a state of love-filled delight in possibilities and eager joy at the prospect of actualizing them.”  She says, “Bright faith goes beyond merely claiming that possibility for oneself to immersing oneself in it. With bright faith, we are lifted out of our normal sense of insignificance, thrilled as we no longer feel lost and alone. The enthusiasm, energy, and courage we need in order to leave the safe path, to stop aligning ourselves with the familiar and convenient, arise with bright faith.”

CLARITY IS A GIFT OF CHAOS

Hard times, heartbreak, and hurt feelings suck, but more and more, I’ve come to see that these things happen for us, and not just to us.

The darkness we walk through across our lives intensifies the infinite light that burns within us. While our brightness may dim in times of desperation, devastation, and despair, the embers of our true essence are never wholly extinguished. As I’ve said before, I wholeheartedly think that dissidence, strife, and struggle can be powerful teachers if we’re open to receiving the gifts they offer.

I truly believe that personal leadership requires us reframe our “baggage” as precious cargo that we carry with us on our journeys home to ourselves. And while it may seem counterintuitive, our deepest fears and biggest hurts can present our most profound opportunities to lead and to use our lives as powerful forces for change and recalibration in our homes, communities, and the world. As Nietzsche has said, “One must have chaos within oneself to give birth to a dancing star.” 

REFUSE TO PLAY SMALL

When you commit to unabashedly lighting up the world with your purpose, passion, and truth, you illuminate the path for others to follow. However, when you actively opt out of using your natural gifts, talents, and strengths to be of service in the world, it’s an insult to your divinity and much like giving the middle finger to the universe.

For me, this reality came into glaring focus when I came across the following quote from Marianne Williamson in 2013, which radically transformed my outlook on life and ultimately altered the trajectory of my life forever:

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-----

THE DOORS FOR THE FALL SESSIONS OF RISE BY DESIGN ARE NOW OPEN! 

Embrace Your Interruptions

“I’m broken,” a woman recently confided in a workshop. “I’ve been broken for a while now and I don’t know if I can be fixed.”  

My heart immediately descended into instant aching mode.

I briefly closed my eyes to lean into this raw share and drew a deep breath to ground myself in the moment. I bowed my head, gave the words the space to land, and then proceeded to look up to join her fully in this truth.

But as I raised my gaze to search her stare for that sacred meeting ground, I was abruptly taken aback and found myself awkwardly tilting my head in confusion.

Something was totally and completely off. 

While she had spoken with a conviction that rang earnestly, those soul windows of hers were serving up a wildly different version of the story she was sharing with the group. 

See, there’s a requisite darkness that dances full on with genuine desperation and despair, with true brokenness. I know it well and have seen it more times than I care to remember. Despondency and hopeless resignation dig out a hollow void in the eyes of the beholder that can swallow you whole in a second - one glance can feel much like diving into a frigid pool of pain. 

But there was absolutely none of that going on in the woman looking back at me from behind those smart, rimless frames. As in zero, zilch, nada.

Instead, there was an undeniable fire there, lighting her from the inside out. The flame was faint and slightly smothered, but I could see it fiercely fighting to burn brighter and be felt. My skin actually prickled at the white-hot heat she was emanating, surging at a frequency somewhere between inviting and intense.

While she may have wholeheartedly believed she was broken when she said it, this woman wasn’t at all shattered; she was simply simmering. What she needed was some stoking and stirring, not any kind of saving, fixing or mending.

In the moment, all that I said was, “You’re not broken, you’re just interrupted. And that’s not a bad thing.”

We live in a culture that is fixated on fault and failing, along with the fast and the furious. We’ve absorbed the notion that if we’re not achieving, we’re atrophying. In the absence of action and accomplishment, our worthiness somehow hangs in the balance.  We’ve lost the capacity to sit with uncertainty and have radically discounted the tremendous value and beauty of just being.

But here’s the thing: Ideas insist on incubation and creative babies won’t be born whole and healthy without that critical gestation period. Foregoing the essential recovery time between marathons is a certain invitation for injury.    

Our standstills should be savored. Intermissions are opportunities to revel in spaciousness. Disruption doesn’t preclude devotion.

Make space for grace in the grit.  More heart, less hustle. You’re not broken, you’re just breathing.

Lessons, Blessings, Compassion, and Captivity (Or, What Prison Taught Me About Pain & Suffering)

I have a confession to make. And it’s not that I’ve actually spent any time behind bars, but rather that I’ve been completely addicted to Orange is the New Black for the past month.

I don’t typically watch a lot of TV and in fact, months can go by without even turning one on. However, I became an absolute fiend with this particular series.

Watching a handful of episodes every few days, I quickly powered through all four seasons in record time. I’ve been utterly enthralled by the complexity of the characters, the depravity that accompanies “doing time,” and the ways in which these women navigate their captivity and their relationships with each other. It’s been totally fascinating, frustrating, funny, endearing, and disturbing all at once.

This show is seriously a goldmine of intellectual adventure if you’re into psychologically wrestling around with the messier parts of life, which I’ll admit I can be prone to do from time to time. But over the past few days, there’s been one particular scene that’s been incessantly rolling around in my head begging for some attention and reflection.

Not wanting to be a show-spoiler, I won’t offer up much context, but I think the sentiment stands pretty profoundly on its own. However, for you other avid OITNB watchers, I’m referring to the moment when Pennsatucky (a.k.a Dogget) poses the following to Big Boo:

“Do you know the difference between pain and suffering?

Pain is always there, but suffering is a choice.”

And so while this isn’t exactly a new idea or novel concept, it hit me hard in the moment.

There’s been a great deal of loss, upset, and strife in the lives of many of the people I love lately and I’ve been feeling it deeply. As I took in these words, the faces of clients, friends, and other dear ones in recent turmoil were immediately brought to mind and I felt called to explore it a little more fully.

PAIN VS. SUFFERING

In the first place, it’s just not logical to believe that anyone would choose to suffer. Really, why would anyone actively choose to suffer? They very simply don’t.

So the real issue is more about how we can intentionally ease or end suffering as quickly as possible. More aptly, how do we NOT suffer? And then ultimately the question becomes: what’s the alternative to suffering?

Importantly though, I needed to firmly wrap my head around the difference between pain and suffering.  

As I see it, pain is the involuntary, immediate, and often very visceral response to hurt, humiliation, and heartbreak; it entails the gut-wrenching, hand-clenching, and mind-bending reactions that our bodies and brains serve up in reaction to discomfort, distress, or trauma.  

Suffering, on the other hand, is the conscious, yet not necessarily deliberate, continuation of that experience. It’s that dangerous dwelling place of resentment, regret, helplessness, anxiety, and anger. And it’s entirely destructive to the angels of our true and better natures.

All too often, suffering becomes the birthplace of irrationality, poor judgment, and even obsession, which can leave heaps of collateral damage in its wake.

But as Elie Wiesel so poignantly demonstrated to the world in transcending his reality of a concentration camp in Nazi Germany, suffering is essentially a mindset or a perspective. And mindsets and perspectives can be shifted with determined awareness and decisive attention. In his words, “Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair.”

So while this may be hard for some of us to swallow, suffering is very much a condition that we can opt out of, or at the very least, manage.

Don’t get me wrong - I DO NOT believe that “everything happens for a reason.” I tend to prickle a little when this cliché catchall is flippantly delivered as a universal explanation for the trials and tough times in our lives and the world. And truth be told, I’m not really a big fan of “mind over matter” for some of the same reasons.

However, I DO believe that many difficult situations - ranging from minor discomfort to major devastation - don’t happen to us, they happen for us. 

But only if you choose to see it that way. And you CAN choose to see it that way.

THE POWER TO CHOOSE

Every single day we encounter people, problems and struggles, running the gamut from petty to pretty painful, that create the optimal conditions for suffering:

The hard drive that crashes just before a major presentation. The blog post that bombs. The flight that gets cancelled at the very last minute.

The shitty co-worker. The deadbeat dad. The unethical boss. The other woman.

That dreaded call from the doctor. The end of a friendship. The loss of a loved one. 

But whether it’s a temporary inconvenience, a serious setback or a soul-shocking betrayal, it’s wholly within our power to evolve negative situations into opportunities for growth, grace, or greater alignment. And far from being a woo-woo suggestion, this is a particularly empowered and enlightened approach to living.

In order to adopt this way of being, we need to lean fully into the knowing that there are times when we have little control over what happens to us, but we ALWAYS have control over our response and reactions – both internally and outwardly. For instance:

In the face of a nasty separation, we can choose NOT to engage in drawn-out court battles that ravage our children’s innocence and wellbeing. 

Rather than sending out knee-jerk emails and regrettable text messages when we feel slighted, we can choose NOT to hit send in the heat of the moment.

When our work falls flat or a project isn’t well received, we can chose NOT to descend into damaging self-talk, including internal dialogue about our failure and inadequacy.

Because here’s the thing: the very things that Bring us to our Knees or nearly break us Into Pieces can often be the very same things that make us more complete and whole.

From my own experience, had it not been for that one particularly crappy colleague who attempted to make my days a living hellish nightmare, it would’ve taken me a lot longer to discover and step into my life’s work. That woman taught me that I needed to fully embody feminine leadership and be a stand for the success of all women.

When my grandfather passed last year, it was absolutely devastating to me. However, his death also served to exponentially amplify my gratitude for the three other grandparents who still walk through the world with me. As a result, they’ve become even more beloved; every opportunity I have to spend with them is now even richer and never taken for granted.

And had I not kissed a whole lot of frogs on my path, I wouldn’t have been so quick to know when I finally stumbled upon a prince. Every bad relationship was an opportunity to grow into the person I needed to become in order to build and sustain a healthy, loving, and passionate partnership.  

Aggravation, adversity, and agony can be incredibly powerful teachers - but only if we’re willing to show up for the lessons that live in the disappointment, despair, and other darker places.

As Mark Nepo says, “The quiet teachers are everywhere. Yet in our pride and confusion, in our self-centeredness and fear, we often miss the teachers and feel burdened and alone.”

THE ALTERNTIVE TO SUFFERING

While I’m attempting to neatly wrap all of this up into one tidy article, believe me that these were all hard-earned realizations and not overnight revelations.

Yet, time and again, I've come to learn that the most difficult lessons are often accompanied by even bigger blessings. As Weisel reminds us, “There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.”  

And all of this has led me to a powerful practice that has served me very well over the last few years. Whenever I’m confronted with challenging circumstances or people, I immediately ask two questions before taking any action: "What can I learn from this?" and "What can I earn from this?"

Said differently, “What is this situation trying to teach me?” and “Where can I find reasons to be grateful?”

Sometimes the insights are instantaneous. Other times it can take years to download the deeper understanding. The point is that there’s an intentional reaction and solid strategy planned in advance for anything life wants to throw in my general direction.

More than that though, I think it’s about massively shifting our universal response overall. In a previous post, I wrote that generosity is the best response to absolutely everything. However, with further reflection, I’ve come to understand that our ability to be generous resides in our capacity for compassion – towards ourselves and towards others.

Compassion, then, is truly the only alternative to suffering.

As I wrote in a recent Instagram post:

In times of grief, chaos, and uncertainty, we tend to turn inward and close our hearts off to the world. We absorb ourselves in our own stories of pain and struggle, composing fearful and damaging narratives that are dictated solely from our fragile egos. Without intending to, we make ourselves preeminently important and forget that we are all in this together.  

This business of humanness can be really messy, and when we're in the muck of it all, our inclination is to retreat rather than reach out. And while it's important to ask for help and support, it's even more essential that you find a way to extend yourself on a soul level in the midst of trauma, turmoil, or even just a tough day. Sending loving kindness to the world in your darkest hours is honestly almost always the surest path to peace, healing and happiness.    

As the Dalai Lama has said, "Compassion is not religious business, it is human business, it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability, it is essential for human survival.” 

A LITTLE MORE PRISON WISDOM

I spent many years preferring to be right over being happy. There were times when seething, stewing, or saving face entirely trumped my need for peace, sanity, and serenity. And I too have sent my fair share of emails and text messages that I desperately wish I could take back. Because in the wise words of good old Dogget from Orange is the New Black, “Toast can never be bread again.”

Instead of suffering, try to dig deep for the lessons and even deeper for the blessings. And though it might sometimes feel like suffering in the moment, practice compassion even when it hurts like hell.

That Time I Became a Queen

Once Upon a Time…

I traveled to Costa Rica to embark on a weeklong leadership and business retreat with 15 ambitious and accomplished female leaders from across the globe.

Each of us had been called into the experience by a beloved teacher and mentor as part of a mastermind journey we were collectively participating in. And while we’d minimally interacted with each other online in the few months leading up to the trip, this would be the first time we’d finally meet face-to-face.

Prior to leaving, I was excited and looking forward to an amazing adventure, but I was also feeling unsettled, slightly intimidated, and a bit skeptical - I honestly had little idea of what to expect.

Many of these women were light years ahead of me in their businesses. And as a sensitive introvert with a preference for a ton of personal space, I was stressing over sharing a room with some random woman I’d never met.

I was also psychologically preparing myself for the inevitable drama that was sure to creep in with so many ladies in such close quarters, for such a lengthy period of time.

Things were bound to get a little catty, complicated or otherwise uncomfortable somewhere along the way, weren’t they?  

I worked seriously hard to manage my expectations, preconceived notions, and judgments in advance.

A few new fun friends, I thought. Maybe, just maybe, a great business connection or a creative partnership would emerge. But if I walked away with nothing more than some refreshed marketing strategies, a few pictures of the jungle, and a couple of ideas on how to scale my revenues over the next few years, I would be one very happy Costa Rican camper.   

Of course, there was a part of me that always intuitively knew that it would be a meaningful experience on a deeper level from the outset, which is why I signed up in the first place. Yet nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for the depth, intensity, and magic that ensued.

The Commencement of the Courtship

As it turned out, I was the first to arrive at the retreat centre.

My room wasn’t ready when I got there, but on the heels of four flights and a Canadian winter, I was pretty pleased to promptly plant myself by the infinity pool while I eagerly (but somewhat anxiously) awaited the arrival of the other women.

One by one, they began to trickle in throughout that sun-drenched afternoon. Getting acquainted, we spent time cooing over photos of each other’s children, partners, and fur babies. 

As that first day progressed and we sat down to dinner, I felt something shifting in me. In many ways, I was surprised at how quickly any trepidation melted away and how easily I softened into their presence. Within a few short hours, I began to settle into the realization that this was going to be a monumental and life-altering experience. Really, how couldn’t it be?

I was in the promised land of Pura Vida immersed in a collective of wise-hearted women doing soul-centred, mission-driven work in the world. And, it certainly didn’t hurt that I'd actually been paired with the dreamiest and most delightful roommate ever.

But even then I had no idea how fully and completely my reality was about to be rocked, my perspectives forever shifted, and my horizons expanded beyond my wildest imaginations.

The Royal Reckoning

As entrepreneurs will do, we were soon jamming on success mindset, sales funnels, website copy, client issues, and business structures.

But as women will do, it didn’t take long before we were dishing on our mothers, lovers, siblings, and daddies, which so naturally evolved into earnest conversations on the topics of love, loss, health, happiness, abuse, abandonment, and Ryan Gosling.  

As the week went on,we danced salsa,jumped off cliffs (literally and figuratively),and floated on water beneath blankets of stars.

We nourished our bodies, minds, and spirits with movement and intention in the salty sea air.  

We shared secrets and declared our truest wishes under the new moon.

We called in our ancestors and paid tribute to painful pasts in the presence of a priestess. 

There was belly-busting laughter and gut-wrenching surrender.

Old stories were unraveled and eternal truths unearthed. 

There was unfurling, unfolding, and at times, complete undoing.  

In the fire of vulnerability and the heat of fierce, but humble hearts, something sacred was divinely co-created.

As we each simultaneously stepped fully into the power of our individual sovereignty and our shared sisterhood, every single woman was celebrated, supported, and very wholly seen.

And this is TRuly how queens are born.  

The Majesty of Feminine Leadership

Ultimately, the keys to queendom are readily available to each and every woman who is a stand for sisterhood, shared success, and authentic empowerment in the world. 

So while I now like to recognize my official coronation as happening in the heart of Central America surrounded by goddesses, in reality, we actively claim our crowns in every moment we courageously embrace opportunities for deep connection, genuine compassion, and meaningful contribution.

In this realm, there is little space for control, comparison, or competition.

Queens don't compel with an aim to conquer.

Queens invite with intention to empower. 

And unlike the kingdoms so many of us have passed through along our heroine journeys - prestige, profits, and position hold little meaning in our pursuit for dominion over domination. 

As queens, we reject drama and disparagement, turning our backs on bitchiness and belittlement.

We encourage others to stand tall in their truths and shine their brightest lights to realize their greatest potential.

We readily applaud the achievements and accolades of the women around us, while consistently and consciously looking for ways to enhance, expand, and expedite their continued success.   

Most importantly, we recognize that our impact in the world is only amplified and intensified as more queens are revealed and revered as such. 

Only through a collective commitment to the expansion of feminine leadership can we continue to breathe energy and life into Bella Abzug's profound prediction: "In the twenty-first century, women will change the nature of power, rather than power changing the nature of women.”

Fiercely Wanting What You Want and the Real Power of Leading From Desire

Like millions and millions of other people, I devoured Dan Brown’s novel, The Da Vinci Code, when it was released in 2003. In fact, I voraciously took in the whole spellbinding story in a single sitting on a cold and snowy January night, stopping only to freshen my tea between chapters.  

The intrigue and the plot twists had me riveted, and I seriously couldn’t put it down! However, it’s not so much the marathon session that makes that evening so memorable, but rather one short sentence that stopped me dead in my tracks and still gives me goose bumps even now. It read:

“Men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire.”

While I’m not usually one for dramatic effect, I honestly had a full-body response as I read these words for the first time. As I went on to repeat them slowly aloud, I recall the intense experience of having profound clarity come crashing down on me. Wholly shift!

SO. MUCH. TRUTH.

While it may not have appeared as such to those looking in from the outside, it became immediately clear to me that there’d been many decisions throughout my life that had entirely come from a place of fear to varying degrees. 

From being scared of other people's opinions, to worrying about the future unknown, to being completely paralyzed by the prospect of my own power - I realized the numerous occasions where fear had definitely been driving, while desire had rarely, if ever, even made an appearance in the back seat.    

It was a serious revelation at the time and one that ultimately ignited my decade-long love affair with the concept of desire. However, I didn’t connect all of the dots until many years later when I learned how this wisdom could be strategized in very important ways.

Enter in Danielle LaPorte and The Desire Map.

THE STRATEGY OF DESIRE

The Desire Map is the seminal work of one of my most treasured teachers, Danielle LaPorte. In discovering this beloved book a couple of years ago, I was able to completely revolutionize my relationship with desire, along with the critical role it plays in my life. It was the piece of the puzzle that had been missing for so many years! 

As Danielle tells us, desire brings light to darkness and is truly the foundation of our will to live. She explains, “When you cease to desire, you cease to live.” 

The Desire Map offered me a step-by-step roadmap for bringing my truest wishes to the surface and taught me how to use this powerful awareness to make more enlightened choices in love, work, service, and play. It encouraged me to re-examine my procedures for achievement, attainment and goal setting, while also giving me invaluable insights into leveraging my desires as a formidable force for more empowerment, freedom and joy. 

In a previous article, I explain some of this in greater detail and outline the myriad of ways in which it has completely transformed the way I engage in my life and business. 

THE DAUNTING DANCE OF DESIRE

Interestingly, very few people can clearly and confidently articulate their desires. Many of my private clients and workshop attendees have told me that they’ve experienced a lot of resistance and difficulty in trying to determine and declare exactly what it is that they truly, truly want.

Sometimes the challenge is grounded in a fear of judgment, where in other cases, it’s the absence of clarity. Usually, it’s some combination of both;  overcoming our cultural conditioning to be humble and accommodating is not easy, and neither is getting to the root of what it is that we long for the most.  

In the wise words of Nelson Mandela: 

“There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.”

This is not work for the faint of heart and definitely requires some major soul searching. Typically I take women through the process over a weekend intensive or a 12-week period, but here are a few ways that you can start leaning into your desires immediately:

Start with a gratitude list.

As Melodie Beattie reminds us, "Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." Blessing counting is ALWAYS the best place to start. 

Examine what’s not working.

There are diamonds of truth to be mined when you dig around in the messier parts of your life. To get to the heart of what you do want, you’ll need to get brutally raw and real about your deal-breakers and no thank-you’s.

If you want ease and peace in your days, you can’t fill up your dance card with endless commitments. If you desire respect and appreciation, you may need to let go of those relationships that no longer nourish and serve you. If it’s simplicity and beauty you’re after, a major purge of your closets, cupboards, and other spaces may be in order.

Let go of the need for approval from others. 

Want what you want with every ounce of your mighty heart. That might be a thriving 7-figure business and the jet-setting perks that come along with it, or maybe it’s a relatively mindless job that offers you lots of breathing room and bandwidth to sing, dance, paint or otherwise create.

Perhaps you have your sights set on speaking in front of thousands of people in a stadium setting or maybe you’re just dying for more solitary time in your garden. 

As long as it doesn’t harm anyone else, prioritize your passions and pursue them relentlessly.

Be prepared to go much, much deeper.

You need to ask yourself why you want what you want. More specifically, there's always a sought-after feeling driving every accomplishment or attainment we seek.

For example, we don’t want 6-pack abs for the sake of a washboard stomach alone.  Instead, we’re after a need to feel strong, healthy, sexy or vital.  Likewise, we don’t want an overflowing bank account just to count the dollar bills all day long, but rather we’re longing for security, success, abundance, or affluence.  

When you know how you want to feel, you can design your life, career, and relationships in support of generating those feelings over and over again.   

RETHINKING STATUS & THE ESSENCE OF REAL POWER

As the poet Rumi once said, “When you know your real status, no longer would you covet or borrow in any manner.  All will even line up to pay you interest, envy thee, if you wish.”

Knowing your “real status” is about embracing your intrinsic worthiness as a beautiful and unique being on this planet; it’s a matter of honouring the callings and longings that are yours, and yours alone, and then actively creating your life in accordance with these.

When we can stand tall in our authenticity, answer to our deepest desires, and live in a way that’s in alignment with our truest song, lack and scarcity tend to scatter in the wind. We gradually begin to unhook from competition and comparison. Instead we become free to firmly attach ourselves to the values of courage, connection, compassion, and celebration, which are the cornerstones of feminine leadership.

As we are liberated from the expectations and preferences of others, it becomes increasingly easy to walk through the world with more grace, joy, and gratitude. At the same time, this freedom infuses you with the energy and ability to lead and serve from a place that is far more genuine, generous, and impactful.

Real power comes from our conscious capacity to make wholehearted choices that are reflective of who we really are at our core. We often dilute that power when we're constantly, and often very unconsciously, rising up to meet the demands of someone else.    

Of course, there’ll be lots of times when our choices will include accommodating others in loving and important ways, but we need to check in with ourselves to ensure that these decisions are honest expressions of our autonomy and desires, rather than a default response to imposition or expectation.   

Far from being self-centered, this is an incredibly soul-centered and thoughtful approach to living and leading.

However, as the saying goes, “with great power comes great responsibility.” In making the divine and decisive commitment to align your intentions and actions with your wants, wishes, and needs, you’re ultimately contracting with the universe to fiercely respect the same from and for others.

Similarly, being deliberate with your desires is the pinnacle of self-reliance. If you are routinely depending on others or manipulating situations to achieve certain outcomes and generate the experiences you wish to have, you’re likely missing the mark by a mile.   

In my own journey, there’ve been stops, starts, and setbacks as I’ve wrestled with fear and desire over the past decade. However it’s been the choices where desire boldly triumphed that have been the most meaningful and monumental of all. 

Be Shoulders to Stand On: 18 Ways To Lift the Women You Love, Lead, and Support

I’m still coming down from the crazy high of a recent whirlwind trip to Chicago, where I had the opportunity to give a couple of talks to some particularly brilliant and conscious female leaders. I was definitely in my happy place – there’s nothing quite as energizing for me as being surrounded by talented and ambitious women who are not only interested in elevating their own lives, but also those of the women around them.

From a professional perspective, the entire trip was exciting, successful, and wildly fulfilling. However, it was the unwavering support from a small group of women that left my heart overflowing with gratitude, my spirit richly replenished, and my soul set on fire with blazing love and appreciation.

The Power of Sisterhood

Lately, there’s been a quote that’s been circulating among women like crazy across social media and I’ve been glowing with delight every single time I see it liked, loved, and shared. It says:

“Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women who have her back.”  

After my recent time in the Windy City, I can categorically say that I know this to be true without doubt.

It was my tribe, my sisters, or as I adoringly refer to them, my coven of beloveds, who not only made this journey beyond beautiful, but even possible in the first place.

First there was my fire-cracking, wicked smart, huge-hearted bombshell of a friend, Kelly. Not only did she organize and coordinate every last detail of my speaking engagements, she scheduled me a blow out, wined and dined me, ubered me all over town, and showered me with more love, light, and encouragement than I quite knew what to do with.

Then there was Monica. She's my gorgeous, generous, wordsmithing goddess friend who travelled all the way from St. Louis, Missouri to spend the week with Kelly and I, while also serving as the #1 cheerleader in the sessions I led. 

And last, but certainly not least, there was Tegan. I’m actually pretty sure she’s the lovechild of Superwoman and the coolest rock star you know. She’s a spicy, sassy, and soulful beauty with a razor sharp mind and the wit to match, and she joined Kelly and Monica in the stands as my biggest fans for the sessions I led.

This triad of awesomeness held me for the entirety of this grand adventure and made it more wonderful than I could’ve imagined.

Interestingly, prior to this trip, Tegan did not know the other two women. And as she had just recently moved to Chicago, I was excited to connect her with Kelly. As it turned out, in a city of more than two million people, they live right across the street from each other!

Coincidence? I’m inclined to think not. 

Rewind to Radical Generosity   

The other important piece and the full circle connection in all of this is the blessed backstory of how Tegan and I came to know each other.

We met in San Francisco at the Emerging Women conference in 2015 when we both attended a workshop session led by serial entrepreneur and trailblazing thought leader, Vicki Saunders. Among a number of other things, Vicki is the founder of She-EO, a Toronto-based company that is committed to developing women entrepreneurs and grounded in the notion of “Radical Generosity.”

Radical Generosity began as an initiative to seek a donation of $1,000 from 1,000 women from coast to coast in Canada in a collective effort to raise capital for women-led businesses. However, the ultimate goal is to build a funding pool of $1 Billion globally, while reaching more than one million women by 2020.

Vicki began the workshop that day in October by outlining her important and inspiring vision, but it was the wonder she weaved in the latter part of the workshop that really made it so magical and meaningful.

For the better part of an hour, Vicki invited individual women in the room to stand up and boldly make a specific ask for support of the other 100+ participants in the group. For instance, one woman stated that she needed a connection to the publishing world in New York, while another woman requested a lead on a reliable virtual assistant to help run her online empire.

As these various requests were made, hands all over the room would shoot up volunteering to facilitate introductions, make alternative strategy suggestions, and send referrals and prospects. It was an incredibly moving, thrilling, and eye-opening experience for everyone in the room. Undoubtedly, some lives and businesses were infinitely changed for the better that day; I certainly know mine was.   

Women Lifting Women: 18 Simple Ideas

Not only did I leave that workshop with a lifelong friend and soul sister, I walked away with a deep and nuanced understanding of just how vital and valuable the support of other women is. As a result, I’ve worked hard to adopt radical generosity as a grounding principle and guiding mindset as I walk through my days.

Here are a few simple and solid suggestions to bring radical generosity to life in the lives of the women you love, lead, and support:

1. Host a gathering to connect the women in your circle who could benefit from knowing each other.
2. Reach out with an unexpected phone call to compliment a job well done or to acknowledge an accomplishment.
3. Hop on Amazon and ship out a copy of THAT BOOK that changed your mind, enhanced your life, or helped you navigate a significant challenge.      
4. Send business and referrals to the women entrepreneurs you know, adore, and trust.
5. Volunteer to take her children for a few hours so she can hit the spa, read a novel, or take a walk in the sunshine.
6. Publicly recognize a colleague in a meeting for her efforts and contributions in your workplace.
7. Have a nourishing meal or tasty treats delivered to a friend who’s cramming for an exam, burning the midnight oil on a major project, or mending a broken heart.
8. Make a contribution to the charity that she works tirelessly for.
9. Take the time to compose (and actually mail!) a heartfelt and handwritten note to a woman who’s had a meaningful impact in your life.
10. Surprise her with a glowing and genuine reference, review, or testimonial.   
11. Offer to make introductions to the people you know who could potentially help propel her idea, initiative, or business forward.  
12. Nominate her for a business award or community accolade.  
13. Schedule a lunch date with a woman who might appreciate your insights, experience, or expertise.  
14. Pass along an interesting article, thoughtful quote, or helpful video you know she would love and appreciate. 
15. Send flowers to that ladyboss who inspired, encouraged, or supported you in some way.
16. Give a celebratory shout out on social media to a mentor, colleague or friend who recently achieved a major milestone or launched something new and fabulous.  
17. Promote the events and causes that are near and dear to the women in your life.
18. Reach out and simply ask the women in your life how you could be a source of strength, support, and service.

In closing, I invite you to consider this gem of simple, yet elegant wisdom that Vicki Saunders shared in her talk that has become indelibly etched in my heart and mind:

“Someone out there needs you, live your life so that they can find you."

Relentless Self-Care: A New Perspective on High Maintenance

Some women are more than a little skeptical when I first reveal my take on the fundamentals of personal leadership.

I’ve been met with some pretty strange looks and awkward pauses in conversation when I say that blessing counting, green smoothies, regular facials, and more sexy time are among my most effective success and leadership strategies.

And,I’m so not kidding.

Like food, sunlight, and meaningful human connection, unyielding self-care should be non-negotiable.  However, we're often so wrapped up in the busyness of day-to-day living that we fail miserably at taking proper care of even our most basic needs.

As many of us find it difficult to get in adequate rest, make nutritious choices, and keep our bodies vital and strong, most of us definitely aren’t making time for powerful practices like gratitude and meditation, spending time in nature, or pursuing creative passions.

That's not a good thing. As Paula Reeves says, “When we neglect what matters most to us, that then becomes the matter with us.”

LOVING YOURSELF INTO LEADERSHIP

Stepping into leadership and the brightest possibilities for your life, relationships, and career requires that you honour, nourish, and nurture yourself on a very consistent and regular basis - not only for your own benefit, but for the benefit of everyone around you. 

There's a very good reason why we are told to put on our own oxygen mask first - so that we can be of greater service to others.

Self-care empowers us to be more available and generous with our teams, loved ones and clients, while also modeling to them how we want to be treated. When we commit to valuing and respecting ourselves, others inevitably value and respect us more too.

In my women’s leadership program, as well as some of my private client work, I actually require and insist on a commitment to daily self-care practices.

In some cases, I’ve encountered some initial push back, accompanied by some stunned questions such as, “What the hell does a gratitude journal have to do with my marketing plan?” 

Well, everything actually. If you’re not grateful for the business and clients you already have, it’s going to be a whole lot more difficult to get new ones.

CREATE + Commit to A Self-Care RegimEn

If you’re like me, if it’s not on the calendar, it just doesn’t happen. And since self-care is something we tend to put low on our priority list, it’s pretty rare that the soul-stirring, faith-finding, and body-loving activities get a prominent and permanent place on our daily schedules. Yet, having a structured and solid self-care plan is absolutely essential to your physical, spiritual and mental wellbeing.

BUT...in order to reap the transformative results this can have in your life, your plan must go far beyond making it to the gym three times a week, getting the standard 8 hours of shut-eye, and staying properly hydrated.

The order of business here is not to merely enhance physical health, but rather to generate joy, cultivate creativity, experience genuine contentment, and enrich every facet of your life. 

A Sweet and Simple Plan:

Make a list of 30 self-care activities that are not only essential for your health and wellness, but also include those that light you up, and maybe even make you swoon a little with longing. These should range in time, commitment, and variety. From a five-minute meditation to an entire day of pampering; an ice-cream sundae or tea with your grandmother.  

Schedule in one activity EVERY SINGLE DAY for the month and then actually do it.

Yes, really.

IDEAS + INSPIRATION:

Luxurious: spa day // week-long retreat in the mountains

Simple: reading fiction // a bouquet of flowers for your desk

Restorative: yoga over lunch // a candle lit bath

Invigorating: run by the river // a rock concert

Inspiring: a lecture at your local university // a class (ahem, the doors for Rise by Design are currently open! :)

Creative: evening at the bookstore // a painting workshop

Affirming: girl’s night out // family movie night

Exciting: tango lessons // a workshop in tantric teachings

Essential: preparing a gorgeous, nutritious meal // a love letter to yourself

WHY SELF-CARE IS NOT SELFISH

I know much of this might feel or sound indulgent right now, but it’s really just your resistance to the re-frame that you need to firmly plant yourself at the top of your priority list. 

Know THIS to be true with every ounce of your beautiful being: Self-care is absolutely the furthest thing from selfish.

Trust me when I tell you that your friends, family, colleagues, and clients will actually LOVE you for it, as they’ll be the ones reaping the benefits of a more peaceful, passionate and present you.

If you’re already rocking an impressive self-care regimen, I’d love to hear all about it! How do you take care of you?

Dealing with the mean girl in your head.

I have a few Important questions.

Have you ever found yourself hesitating or not speaking up at work because you fear you won’t be taken seriously or maybe even criticized?

Are you sometimes scared to death that one of these days a colleague is going to stand up in a meeting and shout, “I knew it! You really are incompetent!”

Do you resist connecting more deeply with people by sharing your story and owning your truth?

Is there a creative pursuit or career change that you’ve been longing to explore, but there’s a voice inside your head telling you that you don’t have what it takes or that people will laugh at you?

The Voice of No Reason

What you’re hearing is the voice of your inner critic. It's that persistent, pesky and irrational chatter of self-doubt that keeps brilliant ideas unshared, dreams unrealized, businesses un-started, talents unused, and important questions unasked.

It's also the conniving culprit behind those unintentional, but often really unkind, thoughts aimed at others who have had the courage to take the leap, go for the promotion, give the speech, push the envelope, or write the book we always wanted to write.

It’s that voice that says, “If you don’t try, you can’t fail. You don’t have what it takes to pull it off anyway.” And the same one who sometimes whispers, "Who does she think she is?"  

The Confidence Crisis

All women struggle with self-doubt in one way or another, although it shows up differently for each of us. For some women, it's most vocal around appearance or body image. For others, it speaks loudly in the professional context, rearing its head as “impostor syndrome.” Many women hear it piercingly around perceived inadequacies as a parent or partner.

This pervasive self-doubt rarely has anything to do with reality, actual ability or accomplishments. Yet, it plagues all of us, including many of the successful, high-achieving women we admire as being exceptionally self-confident.

As it turns out, this confidence deficiency is predominantly a female issue. According to authors Russ Harris and Stephen Hayes, the issue isn’t merely an annoyance, but instead a “particular crisis for women.”

While men are walking around saying “I’m awesome,” women are repeatedly saying, “I’m not good enough.” In their book, The Confidence Gap, the authors argue that this prevalence of self-doubt helps to explain why women continue to under-earn compared to men and why there remains a deficit of women leaders in so many organizations.

Does Any of this Sound Familiar?

The following list offers nine possibilities of how your inner critic may be showing up in your life, along with examples of things she might say.

Articulates a harsh or cruel judgment you would NEVER say to a colleague, friend or loved one: “You are so stupid! I honestly can’t believe that actually came out of your mouth.”

Echoes the voice of a negative, unsupportive or toxic person from your past or present — authority figure, boss, partner, teacher, parent or sibling: “Art? That’s an interesting hobby to have, but there’s no way you’ll ever make a living doing that.”

Makes definitive pronouncements, rather than presenting reasonable alternatives: “Are you serious? That idea will never fly in a million years.”

Aims to hit you where it will hurt the most: “A better mother would’ve done that differently.” Or, “Nobody will ever take you seriously as a writer.”

Attempts to diminish or discount your qualifications, credentials or experiences: “They probably wouldn’t even consider you for that position…maybe after you finish that degree or at least take a few more classes.”

Exhibits an anxious, repetitive and/or urgent tone: “Don’t just leave that message sitting there! You need to email her back right now or she’s going to think you’re a useless slacker.”

Questions your emotions, intellect or judgment, often at the same time: “What were you thinking agreeing to present at this conference? Pull yourself together! All of the other speakers are so calm, collected and confident.”

Hones in on physical attributes: “Are you seriously going to wear that dress without Spanx? And while you’re at it, you should likely wear long sleeves.”

Lashes out at the success of others: “Who does she think she is?”

Quieting the Critic

The encouraging news is that it’s reasonably simple to begin working with your inner critic as you heighten your awareness of its presence. While this nagging and unhelpful voice will never be completely silenced, it can be managed and muted, and the negative impacts in your life can be lessened.

The most important step is learning to recognize what your inner critic sounds like and  consciously acknowledging irrational self-doubt for what it truly is.

Once we are able to differentiate and diffuse the voice of our inner critic, we take away its power and can reclaim our own. In doing so, we set ourselves free to achieve our biggest goals, live and lead with more joy, and make the unique contributions in the world we are each meant to make.

------------------------------------------------------------

THE FALL SESSIONS OF RISE BY DESIGN ARE NOW OPEN FOR REGISTRATION!

The One Simple Question Successful Women Leaders Ask Themselves

A couple of months ago, I was in a full-day session with a client developing a promotional strategy for an exciting new initiative she was working on.

We’d been at it for a couple of hours and things were going exceptionally well. Totally in flow and elated with the ideas we were jamming on, we knew we were on to something big and really quite special. However, we also knew that what we were planning was going to require that she stretch into her courage and step into her leadership shoes in a significant way.  

All of a sudden, a look of complete terror washed over her face and she burst into tears - unstoppable, face-destroying, mascara-laden, huge crocodile tears. 

“I can’t DO this,” sobbed one of the smartest, savviest, and most successful women I happen to know. “I just can’t put myself out there like THAT.”  

Frantically pacing the room, vigorously shaking her head and flailing her arms in all directions, she actually stomped her foot at one point and said, “No way. Totally NOT F-ING HAPPENING. It’s just too much.”

After about 10 minutes, the storm subsided and she began to calm down. I firmly put my hands on both of her shoulders, looked deeply into her eyes and lovingly, but pointedly, posed this question: “Really, what is the worst that could happen if you do this?”

“Ultimately,” I said, “even if the best possible scenario doesn’t materialize, the worst possible outcome is that you end up exactly where you are now, only with infinitely more insight and wisdom than you started out with. Either way you look at it, you only stand to gain.”

WHAT MAKES LEADERSHIP VALUABLE

As I say so often and like I said to my client that day, stepping into greater leadership is not easy and it can feel really, really scary. And precisely because it is hard and scary, it’s also very rare.

Presenting new ideas, launching a business, going after a promotion, speaking to a crowd of strangers, asking for a raise, sharing our art, challenging the status quo, resisting the urge to settle – these are all gorgeous examples of leadership in action.

However, they’re also often stomach-turning, hair-raising, and heart-pounding experiences that can make you feel like you’re walking down the street completely naked in the middle of winter. In a nutshell: very uncomfortable.

When we make the decision to play bigger in our lives, careers, and businesses, the universe summons us to shift into our faith and fortitude, alongside our visibility and vulnerability. At the same time, we’re forced to accept that the likelihood of failure, criticism, rejection, and even ridicule become much, much greater.

For most of us, that can all seem pretty damn terrifying and not particularly desirable.

Some of us will determine that the risk is worth the reward, and some of us won’t. Interestingly, both kinds of people are equally important in the leadership equation.

As Seth Godin so beautifully sums up in Tribes, “Leadership is scarce because few people are willing to go through the discomfort required to lead. This scarcity makes leadership valuable. If everyone tries to lead all the time, not much happens. It’s discomfort that creates the leverage that makes leadership worthwhile.”

I’d be lying if I said that there’s a surefire way to make those feelings of fear, doubt or even full-on nausea go away. There isn’t, and you should likely run far away from anyone who attempts to tell you differently. Because the fact is, you don’t really want them to go away.

As Godin points out, “If you’re not uncomfortable in your work as a leader, it’s almost certain that you’re not reaching your potential as a leader.”

WHY FEAR IS A TEACHER + RESISTANCE IS A GUIDE

Here’s the harrowing, but heartfelt truth: your deepest fear is often your soul’s highest calling for your greatest opportunity to lead. Your resistance and discomfort are often the best indicators that you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing.

Leadership is the art of learning to breathe through that fear and forging ahead anyway. It’s about the willingness to live our lives out loud and bring our biggest, most daring aspirations and ideas into the light. Leadership is about leaning into the knowing that opportunity rewards the bold and luck always bends for the brave. 

In the wise words of Neil Gaiman, “The moment that you feel, just possibly, you are walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself...That is the moment, you might be starting to get it right.”

 Always ask yourself, what is the worst that could happen?

- - - - - -

Teaching People How to Treat You: Why Boundaries are a Beautiful Thing

Sometimes things can feel really,really hard.

It‘s not easy to say no to all of the people who are endlessly asking for your time. There are so many worthy causes in need of support, exciting projects that stir your interest, and intriguing coffee invitations with people just wanting to connect.   

It’s uncomfortable to stand up and excuse yourself from conversations where women are disparaging other women. Because as the saying goes, “If they do it with you, they’ll definitely do it to you.”

It can be unsettling to leave texts unanswered, emails unopened, and instant messages unreturned – even for just a few short hours. You know only too well how YOU feel when you see the “read” notification and there’s radio static on the other end.

It’s painful to let go of relationships, even when you full-heartedly & unquestionably have the certainty that they/it no longer nourish, serve, or strengthen you. Whether it’s the friend who takes more than she gives, the colleague who threw you under the bus, or the client who never appreciated the extra mile – goodbye, farewell, and “unfriend” always hurt.

It can feel downright excruciating to start charging what you’re worth. I get it. Your throat closes, your skin prickles, and your heart quickens at the mere thought of increasing your rates, asking for a raise, or declining those requests to “pick your brain.”

And yes, it can feel unbearable to stand your ground, speak your truth, and stay the course.

But we need to find a way to do it. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

LIMITS Are LIBERATING

In the absence of healthy limits, we become resentful, depleted, dark-hearted people. 

When we consistently deny our dreams and desires in service of the needs of others, we deprive the world of our most meaningful contributions.

When our deepest values, precious time, and physical wellness are not fiercely protected, we descend into a state of regret, despair, and inauthenticity that feels heavy and unyielding. 

When we neglect to soothe and heal our bodies with sufficient rest and renewal, our light dims and our vision blurs. Unconsciously, we start to view the world through the muddied lenses of exhaustion, indifference, or anxiety.

When we fail to honour our own capacities, we stand like a towering lighthouse on a deserted shore, calling in the ships of overwork, overwhelm, disrespect, and disregard.

We broadcast a blaring and blinding signal to the universe, along with the people who live in it, that we just don’t matter all that much. 

Unfailingly, they will respond in kind.

While it may seem counterintuitive, putting limits in place in your life is actually a very loving and liberating act.

When we don’t set and stand by uncomfortable boundaries, our most important needs go unmet. This can lead to frustration and depression, along with a whole host of other chronic and compulsive behaviours, including overeating, addictions, perfectionism, and perpetual people-pleasing. 

Boundaries preserve the sacred white space for planning, playing, creating, dreaming, and doing the things that are most important and fulfilling. 

They unshackle us from obligations and expectations that weigh us down.

Staying firmly planted in our integrity, and out of bitterness and resentment, enables us to show up much more fully in lives of the people we lead, love, and serve. 

We Teach Others How to Treat Us

Boundaries are heartfelt and very honest expressions of our beliefs and choices, our wants and wishes, and our desires and decisions.

Boundaries are the calling cards of respect. Inside and out.

Setting and holding boundaries is the bravest and loveliest thing we can do - for ourselves and for others. Always.

What you believe about yourself and how you treat yourself sets the standard for the response you invite from others. Your worthiness in not contingent on the approval of others.

People learn how to treat you based on what you accept from them.

Building Love-Painted Fences

Good fences don’t only make for fantastic neighbours, but also for phenomenal lovers, friends, family members, colleagues, clients, and bosses.

Here are a few loving, low-key suggestions to guide you in stepping into the process of transforming your relationships with yourself and others:    

// Make time for self-care non-negotiable. Your health, wellness, sanity, and serenity should always be your first priority. 

// Stop answering non-urgent emails, texts, and messages at ungodly hours. Really, just stop. It sets a dangerous and unhealthy precedent in both your work and personal life. 

// Set prices for your services and stand by them. Imagine calling a plumber and saying, “I know you’re busy, but I’d really appreciate it if you’d give me 30 minutes of your free time to help me figure out why my sink is leaking all over my kitchen floor.” When you value what you do, others inevitably will too. 

// Don’t accept invitations out of guilt or obligation. If your enthusiasm and excitement aren’t genuine, declining is the kinder thing to do.

// Change your language and learn how to say no gracefully, and often. Consider apologies, excuses and long-winded explanations no longer required. Try something along these lines instead: “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I have prior commitments that day.”   

// Give yourself permission to let go of the people who are draining your reserves. Unfriend, unfollow, and unsubscribe with wild abandon.

----------------------------------------------------------------   

Another Journey Around The Sun & A Love Letter

Earlier this week, I very gratefully celebrated another birthday. While I typically give myself a trip to the spa or a designer handbag (um, usually both), this year I opted for something more simple, sacred, and soulful - a love letter.

I've written notes of endearment and encouragement to myself in the past, but it's always felt a little superficial and contrived. So while this practice isn't new to me at all, the process definitely was.

This year, having photos of my younger self nearby kept me more grounded, raw, and real. I kept reminding myself that I was also writing to HER – the doe-eyed, cherub-cheeked little one from whom I couldn’t imagine withholding love, acknowledgement, or affirmation.

As I looked at my little self, I felt ashamed thinking of all the times when those harsh and disparaging words flowed so fast, furious, and easily in the face of mistakes and missteps. Why wasn't I more gentle and more generous?

Of course, I couldn't help but think of my four-year-old daughter nearly every second of the process.

We say the most cruel and destructive things to ourselves that most of us would never utter to another human being, let alone a small child. In so many ways, that seems entirely out of integrity with who we are, or who we're meant to be, as conscious and creative beings.     

It began as a love letter to me, from me. But, my deeper hope and wish is that you'll also receive it as a love letter from me, to you. A passion-infused plea that I hope you might consider to be your permission slip to start speaking to yourself with more kindness, compassion, and love each and every day. 

DEAR JAMI,

Hello, It’s me.

As we’ve just completed another journey around the sun together, I’ve been thinking of you a great deal.

There are a few things I’ve wanted to say for some time, but as I’ve been foraging for the right words, I’ve also been struggling to unearth the courage and conviction to speak these greater truths.    

Even now, there’s unease and my skin is prickling with discomfort. As I start to step into the honesty and give shape to my sentiments, my fragile ego is fiercely fighting for her life.

But, here it goes... 

I know I've been really, really hard on you over the years. In many ways, I’ve always found it much easier to be critical than to be kind. I've offered condescension in times when compassion was the only reasonable response and I fostered fear in the moments when I should've helped you soften into forgiveness.  

As Maya Angelou has said, “When you know better, you do better.” I now know better.

More than anything, I want you to know how much I love that you’ve finally come to realize that your tender heart is not a liability, but rather a mighty force to be reckoned with.

Thank you for seeing that brokenness creates the space for expansion.

Thank you for allowing the fractures and fissures to invite more light in this year. 

I’m incredibly grateful you’ve decided to wholeheartedly embrace your freedom. By decreeing love as your conscious first choice in every situation, you’ve called in more wonder to live alongside your liberation. Your growing respect for the fear that lives within you and in others has deepened your capacity for empathy, understanding, and peace.  

You are brave. You are lovely. You are enough.

I love how you are leaning into your imperfection as a mother and that you’ve come to embrace parenting as the ultimate privilege. Rest assured that your children know beyond doubt that they are safe, treasured, and respected.

Your dedication to deepening the sacredness of your marriage is beautiful. I love that you continue to nurture the shared understanding that your separateness and autonomy are invaluable to your togetherness. Your steadfast commitment to treat each other as friends and as lovers first and foremost only fortifies and enriches your roles as father and mother.

You are cherished. You are loved. You are significant. 

I admire and adore you for actively choosing to shine in all of those moments when you so desperately want to hide. Your willingness to be truly seen will inspire others to do the same. 

I love that you are willing to take on the tough stuff and bump up against adversity as a test of your grace, grit, and gumption. Please continue to breathe life into those daring and daunting dreams that are forever dancing through your head.

You are a warrior. You are a creator. You are a light bearer.

Your wanderlust and insatiable taste for rich, new experiences have served you so very well. I love that you try to find magic in the mundane and that you're always searching for the meaning in every moment.

I love how much you know, but it’s your profound understanding of how much you still need to learn that makes my soul sing. Don’t stop reaching for new heights or exploring those depths yet to be discovered. Your commitment to your continuous unfolding is courageous.   

You are a seeker. You are a teacher. You are a disciple.

What you lack in patience, dear one, you make up for in persistence. And while you may sometimes stumble from your lack of balance, you swim ever-so-gracefully in the sea of loyalty you’ve poured around those whom you hold as precious. 

You are generous. You are intricate. You are devotion.   

Love, Yourself

P.S. I've included one of my favourite pics of you from Mexico. I happen to LOVE this secretly snapped photo, courtesy of your darling little sister, Jana. xoxo

************

THE DOORS FOR THE Fall SESSIONS OF RISE BY DESIGN ARE NOW OPEN!

 

A Deep Bow to 2015 (and 6 Things I Know for Sure)

Doing some rear-view mirror gazing this evening and the reflection from the past year is quite something to behold. Magnificent, really.

Taking in the summits and shadows, vistas and valleys, storm clouds and rainbows, I vividly recall the bright and brilliant days, and that one dark night of the soul.

Champagne was drunk, humble pie was eaten, and there were side trips to stop and smell the roses (although not near as many as there should’ve been). It was a fast, smooth sail and a wild, bumpy trip.

Above all, it was an adventure of my own choosing.

More than anything, I’m grateful for every ounce of good fortune that affords me the freedom of that choice. Not a day goes by that I don’t give profound thanks to be a strong, healthy and free Canadian woman.

I spent the year navigating love, loss, trials, triumph, delight and disappointment.There were happy dances, ugly cries, breakthroughs, breakdowns and rounds of high-fives. I enjoyed some deeply meaningful experiences and endured some monumental letdowns. I forged some lasting, lifelong friendships, celebrated some significant milestones, and said some really hard goodbyes.    

But as I sit in the glow of this roaring fire tonight, with the tree lights twinkling and my Chai tea steaming, I’m intensely thankful for every messy, magical minute of it.

The lessons were plenty, the blessings were many, and there are six things that I now know to be categorically true without doubt:

Life can be a graceless dance, but we always get to pick the jam.

We’re all just doing the same clumsy waltz of thriving and surviving. Weaving our way between the moments of our lives – those we passionately live for and others we painfully live through – sometimes we soar and sometimes we stumble, but the music never stops.

As it turns out, we’re the DJ’s of our lives. We write the scores, create the playlists, and decide on the soundtracks. We fly and we falter, and we’re all in charge of finding our own groove.    

Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.

While Jon Acuff may have said it first, this wisdom was graciously handed down to me from a friend and mentor for whom I have huge heaps of love, respect and admiration (thanks Rachelle!).

Following your passion and embracing your authenticity can be wildly fulfilling, but nobody really tells you that launching and building a new business can be an intimidating, lonely and frustrating experience.

Between the steep learning curve, the uncertainty of cash flow, the discomfort of self-promotion and those few people who aren’t exactly rooting for your success, things can feel more than a little overwhelming and exhausting at times. If you throw in relentless comparison to some peers or gurus along the way, all of a sudden you’re hosting the world’s most epic pity party for one.

Learning to be ok with where we’re at might be the most important lesson we can ever learn. This isn’t just true of business, but in every single area of our lives - including our health, wellness and relationships. Bloom where you’re planted, go a little easier on yourself, and decide to shine with the light that is yours.  

Joy over justice. Always.

Would you rather be right or happy? For many people, these can tend to be one and the same, despite the fact that righteous indignation isn’t sexy on anyone.

I’m the first to admit that there have been times in my life when I’ve exerted too much energy proving points and righting wrongs. I’m glad to say that 2015 was definitely not one of those times, and it was much more beautiful as a result.

Winning whatever war we might happen to be waging hardly ever feels as victorious as we anticipate it will. It’s very rarely worth it and you’ll generally find yourself more hurt, heartbroken or infuriated than you were in the first place.

The high road is always the right road. As Danielle LaPorte has candidly pointed out, sometimes you have to say f-off to your principles as a strict matter of health, happiness and wellbeing.

Generosity is the best response to everything.

Honestly, absolutely everything. If you’re aiming to make joy a final destination in your life, generosity is the fastest and surest way to get there.

There’s simply no way of knowing what’s really going on behind the scenes with people. Make compassion and curiosity your default responses. Assumptions, like expectations, are dangerous and destructive forces.

Reach out. Ask questions. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

By actively choosing generosity over resentment, we stand tall in our integrity, remain in the driver’s seat with our emotions and create the experiences we’d more prefer to have.

Grief can amplify gratitude.

Two weeks ago, a cherished childhood friend abruptly left the world. While it's been a few years since we last saw each other, he played a significant role in my earlier life, and his passing rocked me to my core.

As I poured through the many moving tributes that were offered in his memory, I came across this from one of his thoughtful friends:

“Life is more fragile than we think sometimes and it’s easy to overlook the ‘small’ things that really matter in this brief existence we have here on earth. Let us treat each other in a way that leaves no regrets.”

I found deep comfort in these words and my heart moved aside some of the grief to make room for gratitude.

I also thought of friends and family members who’ve recently been finding their own way through devastating circumstances and the loss of loved ones. Things do NOT always happen for a reason and the best we can do is to be better to each other. 

As Cheryl Stayed has said, “Grief is tremendous, but love is bigger. You are grieving because you loved truly. The beauty in that is greater than the bitterness of death. Allowing this into your consciousness will not keep you from suffering, but it will help you survive the next day.”

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

As this African proverb reminds us, the most enduring and worthwhile successes are always the ones that are shared. Birthing a dream requires a team. Asking for help is never a sign of weakness, but rather an indication of enormous strength.

In the absence of a cast of incredibly committed supporting characters, the show won’t go on. Or if it does, it’s never as good as it could’ve been. Sometimes we’ll be center stage, but often our richest contributions are those that are made in our roles as patrons behind the curtain or raving fans in the stands. But as we all know, nothing good ever comes from those loud whisperers in the cheap seats.   

We all just want to be seen, heard, acknowledged and encouraged; we all need support, sisterhood, and shoulders to both stand and cry on. Be brave enough to ask and give often.   

2015 was definitely a show beyond many of my biggest aspirations and boldest wishes. I was blessed to be held, propelled, inspired, ignited, celebrated, supported, and set straight by a list of people too long to name.

To my patient family and rock solid friends; my incredible clients and rock star students; my brilliant teachers and beloved mentors – thank you, thank you, thank you.      

To this year and to all of you, a deep bow.